What is this telling me about me?

As parents, we're routinely told that our child's behaviour is communication. Mona Delahooke, author of Beyond Behaviours, puts it simply: when we see a behaviour that is problematic or confusing, the first question we should ask isn't "How do we get rid of it?" but rather "What is this telling us about the child?"

As a parent of a child with PDA, I want to become fluent in this kind of attention: tracking loss of autonomy and control, and reading nervous systems. I play detective, hunting for the unmet need underneath the behaviour. I also know that grief, anger and overwhelm — often unrelated to my children's behaviour — can derail me, even on the good days.

I wonder if we could turn that same lens on ourselves (or our partner). The disregulated response. The authoritarian edge that escalates our child. The reach for punishment when it all gets too much. The throwaway "You're 9, you should be able to do this by now."

So, in the moment right after I've responded to my child in a way I'd rather not have, I've started asking myself: what is this telling me about me?

Dr Ross Greene, who wrote The Explosive Child, put it plainly: "Kids do well if they can."

I'd agree, and go a little further.

Kids do well if they can. Parents do well if they can, too.

Next time you're about to berate yourself for falling short as a parent, try asking instead: what is this telling me about me?

If the same answer keeps showing up this week — "I'm overwhelmed," "I'm not clear on how to respond to this," "I'm out of energy by the afternoon" — that's not a character flaw. It's information. Consider one small step that might help. (And if you're stuck for an answer, you're always welcome to drop me a message).